Many of my books deal with the theme of family of choice. There are a couple reasons why. I’ve always been geographically separated from family and then later, I became estranged from my parents. This changed my writing and my definition of family.
Another reason I turned to this theme is because having parents–ones who have a solid relationship with their children, offer advice when asked without dictating, forgive their children, are mentally healthy, and set good examples–is tough. At least for me, they muck up a story. They often keep their children from making bonehead mistakes that drive a story and create conflict. Why? Partly because they’ve raised children to consider options before acting, gave them a solid moral base, and are present during rough times.
That’s why either my hero or heroine often have past issues from with one or both parents. Let’s face it. Anyone who’s a parent has worried about screwing up their kid. I often joked I hoped I wouldn’t botch parenting so bad my kids spent spent in a therapist’s office. But in romance novels, emotionally damaged characters make for create conflict and character growth. How we’re raised, our emotional baggage and wounds, taint how we see the world and influence our every relationship. For example, Zane in To Marry a Texas Cowboy has major family baggage. Like two large suitcases and a trunk’s worth.
Here’s an excerpt that shows how two relationships shaped Zane’s life.
“Why isn’t your old man helping out?”
“He’s in Europe trying to patch up marriage number three. Good thing, too, because he’d be a worse choice than her assistant.” How could folks as wonderful as his grandparents have raised such a shit for a son? Someone who would lead two completely separate lives with two families?
“I’m thinking a man who breaks out in hives when he hears the word wedding has no business managing a wedding planning company,” Cooper said. “If you ask me, that’s looking for trouble.”
Zane wouldn’t let Grandma Ginny, the one person who’d been there for him his entire life, loving him unconditionally and acting as a guiding force, put her future at risk. He’d do anything this side of legal for her.
Even run Lucky Stars Weddings.
Another thing I like about parental absence in my stories is it allows friends to occupy a prominent role. I love creating banter between good friends, who as Elbert Hubbard says, “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” That kind of friend will also tell you when you’re being an ass, and often do in my books.
Here’s an example of the heroes in To Tame a Texas Cowboy, who view themselves as family.
“What did this one do? Is she another one with a hyena in heat laugh?” Ty asked, pulling Cooper back to the conversation.
AJ dug his wallet out of his back pocket. “Nah, can’t be that. Not even Coop could find two of those. Ten bucks says this one talked too much.”
“I’m still here, guys, and I’d rather skip the psychoanalyzing session. If you’re interested, I think I can scrounge tickets to the Alabama game. If we can beat them, we’ve got a real shot at the national title,” Cooper said, hoping to channel the conversation onto football and off his love life, or lack thereof.
“I say Coop connected with this one on Facebook, and she posts pictures of her food all the time.” Ty tossed a ten on top of AJ’s, completely ignoring Cooper’s change of subject.
Damn. He was in trouble if tickets to the A&M Alabama game failed to divert his buddies.
Zane tossed a bill on the stack and rubbed his chin while he flashed a perfect white smile at the women two tables over who’d been giving him the eye.
When he glanced back at his friends, he said, “I peg her as the strong, assertive type who’s recently divorced and is still in her angry phase. I say she complained about her ex.”
His friends stared, waiting for him to declare the winner. Betting wasn’t much fun when he was the topic. While AJ and Ty weren’t correct now, in the past, he’d lost interest in women for both the reasons they predicted. Tonight, Zane came damn close. Too close.
“Zane, sometimes you’re damn scary when it comes to women. How do you do it?”
“Years of extensive research.” Zane grinned as he scooped up the cash.
So, that’s why I often don’t include a parent or parents in my stories. Another time I’ll chat about the couple times I have had a parent be a prominent character.
To be entered in my random giveaway for the cactus T-shirt, coozie, and a signed copy of Family Ties, leave a comment telling me what you think about having the hero or heroine’s parent(s) as main characters in a story.
Julie Benson has written five novels for Harlequin American, and her Wishing, Texas series is available from Tule Publishing. Now that her three sons have left the nest in Dallas, when she isn't writing, Julie spends her time working on home improvement projects, rescuing dogs, and visiting Texas wineries with her husband. Visit her at www.juliebenson.net.
I don’t have a problem with it, but it hasn’t been my personal experience.
I’m fine with the absent parents in stories.
denise
Good morning, Denise. I do have a few books with a parent in them. Nannette McAlister in the first three books of my Estes Park series is a great mom. What’s funny is she is more involved in the first two books, her son’s books, than her daughter’s, (if I remember correctly) and I’m a mom of 3 boys! Thanks for stopping by today. Have a great summer!
I’m a mom of three boys, too. (I think we knew that about each other.)
I’ll wave to you when I’m in Dallas in four weeks. Youngest wants to visit UT (Austin), then we’ll visit the middle in Dallas, before we visit some other SEC schools.
No wonder you’re so fantastic. You’re another mom of 3 boys! We are sure tough, aren’t we? If you’re visiting SEC schools, you have got to visit Texas A&M. Our oldest went there and College Station is a special place. I sure miss it. Keep me posted on the college visits!
Texas, LSU, Bama, Tennessee
I do not have a problem with it. It all depends on the story line. Thank you for sharing. I have been on the other side without contact with my Dad. God bless you.
Debbie, I do think our relationships with our parents follow us through life, especially if there are issues we don’t deal with. I guess then I shouldn’t be so surprised that those relationships influence my writing. I’m sorry about your father. It’s hard when we don’t have contact with a parent for whatever reason. Mine was because my mom was so toxic I had to choose between being healthy for my husband and children or having a relationship with her. Thanks for being here, and may God bless you, too.
depends how it’s written
That’s a good point. I do have a few books that have a parent in them. (Though, the heroine’s mom and hero’s father in To Tame a Texas Cowboy they cause more problems than anything.) The mom’s in the first three books of my Estes Park series and Ty’s mom in To Love a Texas Cowboy are wonderful. I do better with mom’s of boys since I have 3 sons, but having the heroine’s mom in a story is difficult for me since I had a contentious relationship with mine. In 2 books (To Tame a Texas Cowboy and Roping the Rancher) the mom’s were present and provided great conflict that moved the stories forward. I guess that’s a long answer to me saying, yup, you’re right. It’s all about how it’s written. 🙂 Thanks for being here. Have a super summer!
I don’t have a problem but I do agree with everything you said about parents.
Debra, thanks for stopping by today. I do think good parents can get in the way, unless they’re like Nannette McAlister (my Estes Park series) or Ty’s Mom in To Love a Texas Cowboy. Those mom’s joke with their sons and call them out when they’re being as I would say, not too bright.
I think it depends on the theme of the story mostly, if the parents are a main part then they should be there, but if not, I would rather leave them out.
Connie, thanks for being here today. I guess because my parents weren’t there for me much, my thoughts never think of having the parents in stories. I’m glad it’s not a big thing for you. I wondered if it would bother readers. Maybe views are changing since we’ve become such a mobile, geographically separated from family society. Many of us have had to learn to develop other support networks.
I agree parents can be an issue and love reading a good book with parents as one of the enemies they have to work through!
Teresa, thanks for your comment. For some reason I’ve wondered if readers missed having the hero/heroine’s parents in the story for support and encouragement. If you like parents causing conflict in a story, you should read my Roping the Rancher and To Tame a Texas cowboy. The first has some close to home parental issues. The later has a really interesting conflict with the hero’s father. If you do, let me know what you think. We could have a good chat about those parents. Take care and have a great summer. Thanks for being here today.
I agree with Connie Lee. I think it depends on the story. Personally I’m close to my mother, but was never close to my father.
I guess because my parents weren’t a big support system for me (my mom always had other priorities and my dad never questioned my mother), I never think to include parents, especially the parents of heroines. The couple times I have had the heroine’s mother play a more prominent role, she’s created conflict. If I’m going to have a positive mom in the story, it’s more likely to be the hero’s mom. I think that’s because I’m a mom to 3 boys. I have more to draw on, and hope I’ve been a positive influence in their lives. Thanks for being here today. Take care and have a fantastic summer.
welcome today and thanks for being honest and vulnerable. I dont think I would like the parents as the main characters unless the are the first in a series and it starts with them. then as the series goes on, they are secondary characters I agree with some of the ladies above. It really depends on how the author wants to write the story. I was very close with my mother and not so close with my father
Lori, thanks for stopping by today. When I have a heroine’s mother in the story, it’s hard for me to create a positive relationship since my mom and I had such a contentious one. I think I could write that if I’d had a daughter. Then I would have something to draw one. I’ve been able to draw on my relationship with my sons on the stories where the hero’s mom plays a role. For example, in Big City Cowboy and Bet On a Cowboy, Nannette McAlister, the heroes mother, runs the ranch. Because she does and that the ranch serves as the setting for part of the story, she is in some scenes. She was fun to write. She jokes around with her sons and doesn’t hesitate to tell them when they’re in the wrong.
Take care and have a great summer.
I am fine with it either way. I am close with my mom but not so close with my father. It is nice to read great family dynamics in a story but it is not always realistic. For me, a great family dynamic in a story is an ideal to reach. Thanks for sharing your feelings in your post.
Cherie, thank you for your comment. I appreciate your comment about an ideal to reach. Occasionally I’ve been tempted to have a character just character break things off with a parent or not work it out, but I don’t think that’s always healthy. So, if I can find a reasonable way to have the parent make an effort like was the case in To Tame a Texas Cowboy, I have the h/h open to that. But they also recognize if the relationship doesn’t work, it’s not entirely their fault. Does that make sense?
Thanks for being here today and for making me think. Take care and have a wonderful summer.
I have enjoyed books with parents in the story….I am fine with or without them…
Colleen, thanks for your comment. I’ve wondered because small town and family has been a popular topic for a lot of readers. I love small town settings but I tend to deal with family that a person creates for themselves. I appreciate you stopping by today. Take care and have a fabulous summer.
It depends on the story. Some stories there is no need to mention the parents. Other times, like Nannette McAllister, the parent becomes an important part of the story. Thanks for opening up about your own situation. Not every family fits the “Leave it to Beaver” model. I actually think very few of us do.
Alice, thank you for your sweet comment. I love books set in small towns that have a big extended family, but I can’t seem to write those. I think the fact I come from a small family and my relationship with my parents affects that. Consequently, my hero and heroine often rely on friends who are like family to them. Thanks for being here today. Take care and have a great summer.
Hi, I am fine either way with or without. Children do learn what they live. And alot of times it is up to us if we don’t have a very good growing up years , it is up to us to remedy it. I was very Blessed to have great parents. Your books sound like great reads, Thank you so much for sharing about them, I will be looking them up. Have a great day.
Alicia, you are so right that children learn what they live, but that once we’re adults, it’s up to us to remedy it. I like to have characters that need to learn to forgive. If we don’t, we often end up hurting ourselves more and are unable to move on. I always say we don’t forgive someone because they deserve it. We forgive them because we need it. Thank you for stopping by today and for your kind comment. Have a wonderful summer.
Bringing parents into the story is fine with me. It adds reality and authenticity to the relationships.
Anne, thank you for being here today. I think you’re right. Having parents in a story, whether it’s a good relationship or it has problems, can add realism and authenticity. Even when the parents are there, who they are or were and the relationship they had with the hero or heroine influences their character. Thank you for your comment. Take care and have a super summer.
Yes, invite parents into the story since parents have a great deal of influence upon the interaction.
Pearl, you’re right. Whether the parents are present “on stage” in the book, they have a great deal of influence. They definitely shape their children. If a child doesn’t feel worthy or loved, if they feel they didn’t matter, or were abused, it leaves a mark on the soul. Thank you for being here today. Take care and have a terrific summer.
I don’t mind the idea, as long as they are fun and interesting characters!
Teresa, you’re right. That’s what it all comes down to–interesting characters that create conflict and move a story forward, helping the hero and heroine to grow and fall in love. Thanks for reminding me of that! Have a wonderful summer.
I love family relationships!
Give me parents, step-parents, foster parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, step-brothers from the first marriage, second cousins three times removed. That elderly neighbor who “looks after her just as if she was her own daughter.” Yes!
Nothing is more interesting than family relationships.
Abby, your comment made me laugh. I wish I had the energy and imagination to create a family that large and interesting. I’d need a score card to keep track of that many characters. I can’t imagine having to think of that many names for everyone. But still, it could be fun…Thanks for being here tonight and for making me laugh. Have a fantastic summer.
It all depends on the relationship and the part they play in the story. A good mother/daughter relationship can be a good part of a story. Conflict or a lack of a good relationship with the parents isn’t necessary to be able to include friends as sounding boards and confidants.
Patricia, you make some good points. Just because someone has a good relationship with a parent doesn’t mean he or she can’t have friends as sounding boards and confidants! I think (or at least hope) I do well writing good mother/son and father/son relationships because of the ones my husband and I have with our three sons. But, writing a stronheg and healthymother/daughter relationship is hard for me since I had a contentious one with my mother. Maybe I’ll do better with them now that my son Alex is getting married. His fiance, Kim is a wonderful young woman and has been a part of the family since he introduced us to her. In fact, she and I get along so well, she invited me to stay with her for a week in Florida! Thanks for the great chat. Have a super summer.
I kind of like having the parents featured in the story, either as a type of friction between the Hero and heroine, or as a sounding board for one of the characters.