Yesterday, I returned from a journey to Iowa. I didn’t visit where I grew up, but rather the northeastern Iowa farm where my mom was born and the small northeastern town nearby. I spent a large part of my childhood there and created so many memories. It’s also where my remaining family lives. I was there to bury my parents’ ashes in the cemetery with six generations of my mother’s family resides.
The journey wasn’t easy, and thank you to fellow filly Cathy McDavid, who said traveling the end of life journey with our parents could either be a blessing or a difficulty. She helped me realize I controlled which of these this trip would be. I left Texas for Iowa determined that my trip would be a blessing. And it was. In more ways than I could’ve imagined.
My dear Uncle Wayne, the youngest of my mother’s siblings, who sat me on a neighbor’s horse and walked me around the pasture, said something profound that has also changed my life’s perspective. He told me he’d heard a quote about how we put a person’s birth and death date on their tombstone separated with a dash. The quote talked about that the dash mattered most because it represented what came between our birth and death. He then said we need to make the most of the dash in our lives.
After a quick search, I discovered came from a poem by Linda Ellis.
?I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on the tombstone.
from the beginning…to the end.
He noted that first came the date of birth
and spoke the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time
that they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
know what that little line is worth.”
? Linda Ellis, Live Your Dash: Make Every Moment Matter
“Your life is made of two dates and a dash. Make the most of the dash.”
? Linda Ellis
We all need to make the most of the dash in our life.
To me that says, be kind where I can, even if it’s something simple like holding the door for someone, flashing a smile, or saying hello. Even in places where they don’t do that like my Aunt Margaret, Wayne’s wife, did. (She told me a story about doing so in a not so great NYC neighborhood.) I hope I can have her courage in those moments.
I want to make the most of the dash by standing up for those who need another voice to argue against injustice and bullying. I hope to be honest, but not brutal or cruel. I want to forgive because as my Uncle Wayne said with his take on the Nelson Mandela quote, “Not forgiving is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die.” Yup. Holding a grudge and refusing to forgive hurts the one carrying the anger.
I want to make the most of the dash, by being there for my children when they need me or me to do something fun. It doesn’t matter that they’re grown. I also need to maintain the connection with my remaining family in Iowa. They will help me make the most of the dash because they fill a hole in my heart and soul I didn’t know I had in my heart. Those aunts, one uncle, and cousins along with my relatives buried in that small Burr Oak, Iowa cemetery, played a huge role in who I am today, and I am incredibly grateful.
I hope my tombstone says that I made the most of the dash or at least she tried to.
Giveaway: To be entered in today’s random giveaway for the Spooky Season T-shirt and signed copy of Family Ties, leave a comment on what you think people can do to make the most of the “dash” in their lives.
Julie Benson has written five novels for Harlequin American, and her Wishing, Texas series is available from Tule Publishing. Now that her three sons have left the nest in Dallas, when she isn't writing, Julie spends her time working on home improvement projects, rescuing dogs, and visiting Texas wineries with her husband. Visit her at www.juliebenson.net.
Kindness, grace, love, and forgiveness–even if the person never admits they were wrong, it frees you from the burden, and it doesn’t mean that you have to resume a relationship with an abusive person.
Those are some of the things to make your life a better life for you and others.
I’m so sorry for your losses, and I’m glad you were able to take that trip.
denise
Denise, thank you for your kind words. You are so right about forgiving others even when they don’t ask for it. We forget that when we forgive others, we give ourselves a gift. I also believe what you said in that we can forgive someone, but that doesn’t mean we have to stay in unhealthy relationships. You are a wise woman! Thank you for being here and for your condolences.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. You brought tears to my eyes. My Mom is in Hospice. I have learned so much from her. She was not afraid to stand up for what is right. She taught me to love others as God loves us. Treat others the way I want to be treated. I could go on and on. I think the dash should mean what have we done to share the love of the Lord. Let other’s know they are loved and cherished. Thank you so much for sharing. God bless you.
Debbie, thank you for your blessings. We can never have too many of those. I’ll pray for you as you make this journey with your mother. Hospice, knowing your mom’s days are few and watching someone you love as much as you do your mother slip away is never easy. Take comfort in the wonderful memories. Always remember she lives on through you, especially with all she taught you. She sounds like a truly exceptional woman. Enjoy every moment you have left with her.
Thank you for being here today.
Wonderful post. Sorry for your lost. To fill up our dash we should be kind, listen, and think before we speak.
Sally, thank you for your sympathy. I think if more of us practiced what you said, being kind, listening more, and thinking before we spoke (or tweeted, emailed, or post to Facebook), we’d solve so many problems. The world would be a much better place. Thank you for being here today and take care.
time with loved ones
I learned that lesson over the last few days. 🙂 I’ve been good about spending time with my children, but I didn’t realize how much I missed my extended family. For me, nothing I will ever do is as important as the job I’ve done raising my children. I told my husband on our long drive, that if I’d failed at everything else in life, the fact that my sons are caring, independent, honest young men who contribute to the world, my life is a success. Loved ones, and the love we leave with others is truly what making the most of the dash is about. Thank you for being here and take care.
How true. It is important to remember the time between and not the beginning and the end.
I agree. My Aunt Margaret said she didn’t even want the dates put on her headstone. All she wanted was the words “She tried.” That impacted me too. I think so often we don’t try. We may not always succeed, but sometimes trying is enough. We make a difference and we give those who follow the inspiration and courage to take up a cause. For example, early Civil Rights activists. Many didn’t succeed. Many lost their lives, but they tried and in doing so they advanced the cause and inspired those who followed.
Thank you for being here today. Take care, stay safe, and make the most of your time.
What a lovely post. I had never heard that poem, but is one that I will now be sharing and remembering. I think it is the many little things we do that can help make that dash worth something. We can’t all make a great discovery or find the cure for a terrible disease. We can, however, volunteer for community groups like the Red Cross, the Humane Society, a food pantry, or any number of opportunities out there for us. You never know when that little thing you do will make a big difference in someone’s life. Care for and about others. Love with all your heart. Be kind and honest. Keep your sense of humor. Being able to laugh at yourself puts life in a better perspective.
Patricia, thank you for your lovely comments. You are so right. We aren’t all meant to cure a horrible disease, but maybe we’re meant to give a smile or hopeful encouragement to that person one day when they’re low or discouraged. Maybe a kind word gives them the hope to keep working until they find the cure. You’re right, we don’t know how our small actions can impact someone’s life. I always wanted to be a person that made a huge difference. It bothered me until I realized those weren’t the skills God gave me. I’m meant to make a difference in lives of those around me, even those I don’t know or may only see once. We forget how important being kind is. That can make or break someone’s day. Life can be so much better if we simply make those around us feel seen and heard, and if we always react with kindness. Even when it isn’t deserved.
Thank you for being here and for sharing your wisdom.
Julie- I’m so sorry for your loss.
It sounds like you made this life ending journey a blessing. Your uncle Wayne gave you the best life lesson, I thank you for sharing this. It truly is a comforting thought. I too want to make the most of the dash. You have inspired me to never look at the dates on our loved ones tombstones the same way, as before. I’ll forever look at the dash and remember their lives and love, they shared with all.
Tonya, thank you for your sympathy and kind words. I love how you say you’ll never see headstones the same. I won’t now either. Instead I’ll think of what they’ve done with their life and how they made a difference in mine.
As the Beatles said, “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” And that’s what matters. I’d go farther and say it’s important that the love we make and spread in the universe should be greater than the love we take.
Thank you for being here and for saying the post spoke to you. Take care, stay safe, and make the most of your dash.
Thanks for the wonderful post. I think you should share and spend time with your family, made and blood
Debra, thank you for being here today. I’m so glad the post spoke to you. I agree that spending time with those we love, telling them how grateful we are for them, and how they’ve impacted our lives is so important. The love we sow in the universe is so important. Whenever we are kind or loving to someone else, I know it is given on in some way. If only everyone could remember that, the world would be a much better place. Take care and stay safe.
Sorry for you loss. Great post. Spending time with family is a must.
Cathy, thank you for your sympathy. I’ve always said nothing I will ever do is as important as raising my children. It’s so important that we spend time with family and tell them how much they mean to us. Thank you for being here today. Take care, stay safe, and make the most of your dash.
Sorry for you loss – been through it as well, inevitable as we age – spending time with family offers the most comfort!
Teresa, thank you for your sympathy. The end of life journey with parents is never easy. For me, it turned out to be one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever gotten. It reminded me of all the people who helped me become the person I am today. I smiled and cried as memories of my family washed over me walking around my grandparents farm. I laughed with my uncle and his family reminiscing. And I let go of disappointments and hurt I’d carried for far too long. I learned it’s all how we choose to see it. Thank you for being here today, Teresa. Take care and enjoy your family.
Asking ourselves are we living our lives as God would want us to.
Thank you for being here today. Asking if we’re living as God would want us to is a good way to make the most of our lives. If only more people would do that the world would be a kinder place. Take care and stay safe.
So sorry for your loss. I have been there myself. What a wonderful way to think of life and I guess dash would mean to be kind to other and also to be grateful for what you do have in life.
Thank you for being here today and for your sympathy. I’d never thought of how important what we do with the “dash” is until my uncle said it. I’ve made a big effort to be more grateful and expressing that gratitude. It all comes down to how we view life. We can focus on the negative or we can focus on our blessings. Take care, stay safe, and make the most of every day.
Julie, this is one of the most beautiful blogs I’ve ever read on this site, and I’ve read hundreds. The dash poem is life-changing.
Wow. Just wow. Thank you for sharing with all of us. Who can’t be affected?
Pam, I am honored by your comment. I credit my Uncle Wayne for sharing this wisdom with me and then I found the poem.
welcome today. I have heard about this dash before. And I think it is so very true. What we do with our lives should count not only for ourselves, but for others. I feel that I need to point the way to Jesus and His salvation. I feel that what ever I do in life should glorify my Lord. I use a dash in my email because I like to remember where I started with my quilting journey and where am I now, and where do I want to go. God gave me the talent and it is up to me to use it for good.
Lori, what a lovely comment. Sounds like you have your priorities in order and are definitely making the most of your dash. I can’t add anything except that I admire you! Take care and thank you for being here today.
To me, the best thing you can do with your dash is trust God and accept His Son as your Lord and Savior, believing that He came to earth as baby, died on a cross for your sin, and give your life to Him.
Trudy, I think if everything we do comes from a place of love, good will, and faith, we are likely to do the right thing. It’s when we place our needs above those of others or think that we are “better” or “more deserving” than someone else that we get into trouble. We can’t go wrong follow our Lord’s teachings. Thank you for being here today.
Try to live everyday to it’s fullest and don’t waste a lot of time being mad or angry with someone.
Connie, thank you for being here today and sharing your wisdom. Life is definitely too short to waste in stewing in anger. What that really does is hurt ourselves. It prevents us from moving on and clouds our world view. When we focus on anger or resentment, we miss so many blessings that are sent our way.
I’m sorry for your loss, but what a beautiful trip down memory lane it took you on-out to the family place and the cemetery where generations of your family are buried. I, too, have this same kind of farming family, and a cemetery that is filled with grandparents and aunts, uncles, and cousins going back generations! My hubby and I will be laid to rest there, someday, too, if the Lord doesn’t return first! My Daddy told me the story of the dash. It made me cry. But, I always think of this song that I had played at his funeral: “Thank You (for giving to the Lord)” During our dash, we should strive to give of our best to our Saviour first of all, then to our family, then to our friends and strangers…to every person we meet, in every situation, every single day! Just live that way! Thank you SO much for sharing with us today, Julie. I think you really made us all stop and think!
Thank you for being here today and for your sympathy. I had to chuckle. Just before the service was to start, a combine arrived to harvest corn at the adjoining field! The farmer was really sweet, and of course knew various members of my family. He was happy to move to the far side of his field where he wouldn’t disturb the service.
I agree with your assessment. If we’re centered in God and his teachings, we’re more likely to make the right decisions. We’re more likely to understand, have patience, love, and forgive.
Hi, I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful poem and for the importance of the dash. We need to spend more quality time with our loved ones and not take anything or anyone for granted, enjoy the sunrises and the sunsets and make the very Best of every day and always Do the Very Best we can in Everything that we do. A simple Good morning might make somebody’s day and show kindness to all.
Alicia, thank you for your kind words of sympathy and for being here today. I’m trying to do more of what you mentioned. I’m marveling at the beauty God created in a sunrise, sunset, and the country surrounding me. I think if I try my best, take responsibility for my actions, apologize when I’ve wronged someone, and act in love, then the day has been a success. And you’re so right. You never know when something as simple as a heart felt hello might turn someone’s day around.
Do things that make you happy… be with family…
Colleen, those two things you mentioned are important. If we don’t do things that make us happy, our soul gets drained. When that happens, we have less to give to others. Thank you for being here today. Take care.
Julie, my condolences for your loss. Seeing a close loved one depart from this earth is never a pleasant time. However, it gives us time to speculate on the many fond memories of that person as well as episodes with them which can bring a smile and perhaps chuckles as well. Tears are ever a part of this scene. As I near life’s end I ponder on how many people I have cherished are now gone home to their maker. It won’t be long for many of us and we will be departing as well. Let’s live in the moment and live life to the fullest as GOD would want us to do. I, also, am born and bred in Iowa, a state I didn’t leave until I was 38 years old. I don’t think I would care to live there again, but do have memories frequently as much of my family is still there in Belle Plaine, just 30 miles from Cedar Rapids. May GOD bless you and keep you and make your memories sweet.
Judy, thank you for your sympathy and for being here today. I definitely laughed and cried while I was in Iowa. I also marveled at the trees just starting to turn and the amazing details God created in the bluffs around Decorah. I think you’re right. The best we can do with our lives is live fully in the moment and be God’s servants. If we do that, then our lives have been successful.
Julie I am so Sorry for your Loss , Thank you for sharing this post. Love , Kindness, and Forgiveness is so much what we need in our Lives and Our Children and their Families Blessings to you!
Sarah, thank you for being here today and for your kind sympathy. You sum up what’s important so well. I extend blessings to you as well.
Julie – Your blog touched my heart. I have learned to make the most of each day whether it’s been doing something I don’t enjoy doing like dusting for instance, or taking a walk in the woods, or cheering up someone who may be down. I’ve also learned to make joy the center of my attitudes. And, as you know, I am a believer in Christ and I make Him the focus of each day. After all, He was who I trusted in while walking through my cancer journey. God bless you as you continue your journey through many dashes in time. Love you.
Kathy, I’m so glad you enjoyed the post. You are certainly one who has been making the most of every day for a while now. I admire that about you. You find enjoyment in everything. If someone focuses in God and make joy central to your life, how can they go wrong? I hope you and your hubby are doing well health-wise. You are such an inspiration. I always love hearing from you!
Spend 30 minutes a day working to be the person you’d secretly love to be
Wow. This is fabulous advice! I’ve never thought about setting aside time every day to work toward who I want to be. Thank you for being here today and sharing your wisdom.
I am sorry for your loss. Precious time together is meaningful. Everyday matters and is important. Life is fleeting.
Anne, thank you for the sympathy. You are so right about life being precious and every day mattering. The older I get the more I realize that.
Sorry for your loss. Sounds like you made the best of your trip. Thank you for sharing your lovely poem. I also try to cherish my family and make precious memories with them.
Cherie, thank you for the kind words. The trip was amazing and a gift I will always treasure.