Soon after having my first son (I now have three), I realized how males and females possess dissimilar views the world. We also speak and communicate differently. This realization and my sons have helped me be a better writer and create more realistic heroes. At least, I hope so!
When my heroes talk, I keep in mind there are phrases that guys just don’t say. Here’s the ever-growing list I search for to eliminate on my final edit.
I don’t think…
What if we…
How about if…
You may have to…
You might want to…
Think about… (or as I say qualifying it further, “Think about maybe…”)
I thought we might…
Men don’t qualify what they say or soften the blow. They tell others what needs to be done. Period. In clear, concise terms. What if someone doesn’t like it? Tough. We women worry about hurting someone’s feeling. Goodness, we don’t want anyone getting mad over what we say. And where does that come from? Anyone else raised as I was to avoid conflict at any cost? I see all the raised hands from here in Texas.
For example, here’s setting up a lunch date between two female friends and two male ones.
Women’s Conversation:
“Where would you like to go to lunch?”
“I don’t know. What sounds good to you?”
“Anything. You choose. Wherever you want to go is fine with me.”
“I was thinking Italian.”
“Actually, I had that last night.”
“That’s alright. We can have something else. What do you suggest?”
“Anything but Italian is great, and if you’re really in the mood for that, I don’t mind having it again.”
Five minutes later, the women will hopefully have decided on a time and place.
Men’s Conversation:
“You hungry?”
“Yup.”
“Pizza?”
“Sounds good. Make mine pepperoni and green peppers.”
This leads into my next point. Women use around 20,000 words as day versus the paltry 7,000 men use. Guys are like Sergeant Joe Friday in Dragnet. They keep it to just the facts. They don’t embellish or add emotion to the story. (When I taught fourth grade writing, that was the hardest thing for boys to learn—to add their feelings to their writing.) Nor do men notice the same details women do. Women notice what people wear, jewelry, outfits, shoes, and hair. My heroine might think a friend’s dress is aqua, but then qualify if as turquoise, but not the blue kind, the type that has a green hue. Guys? They’ll say it’s blue if they notice the color. But a car? Men will often know the make, model, color, how much horsepower it has, and Lord only knows what else. Me? I’m lucky if I know how many doors the car had. This can be fun, though, giving a character an unusual trait such as the heroine being a car expert or a sharpshooter as in The Andy Griffith Show when his date, Karen beats him in shooting competition. Or I might have a hero who has two or more sisters notice details other heroes wo
n’t.
Men are also fixers. That’s why when women talk, they often jump in with solutions. They don’t realize we merely want to vent and need another human being to listen. This makes for great conflict, especially if the heroine assumes the reason the hero’s offering solutions is because he thinks she can’t solve the problem or needs his help.
For me to write strong characters I had to understand how people are different and how those distinctions create conflict. It’s not that these traits are right or wrong. They’re simply facts. I find if I don’t remember them when I’m writing, especially from my hero’s point of view, my hero doesn’t come off as real to me, and if I don’t fall in love with him, I know none of you will.
GIVEAWAY: To be entered in today’s random giveaway for the credit card holder, coaster, and signed copy of To Tame a Texas Cowboy, leave a comment on what you think is the biggest difference between men and women–other than the obvious Y chromosome, that is. Lol!
Julie Benson has written five novels for Harlequin American, and her Wishing, Texas series is available from Tule Publishing. Now that her three sons have left the nest in Dallas, when she isn't writing, Julie spends her time working on home improvement projects, rescuing dogs, and visiting Texas wineries with her husband. Visit her at www.juliebenson.net.
Woman say what they feel, Men do not like to talk about their feelings. They say everything is fine. Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
Debbie, you’re so right! When there was the writing TEKS in fourth grade the boys had so much trouble putting their feelings into their writing. I had to point out places where they could add feelings and emotions. Then I had to ask them how that made them feel and tell them to add it to their paper!
Thanks for stopping by today. Take care, stay safe, and may God bless you, too.
They just don’t understand the why when something bothers us. Or why it’s infuriating when they’re not willing to discuss it.
That’s a beginning…
Momof3boysj, aka Denise
Denise, I bet you’ve learned a lot and could write a book about how guys are different, too! Us moms of 3 boys are tough! We have to be or we don’t survive. You’re right about guys not understanding why something bothers us. Mine guys think if it’s not a big deal to them it shouldn’t be a big deal to me. Sometimes they’re just clueless.
Thanks for being here today. Take care and hold your ground with those guys in your house! Oh, by the way, how did the college visit go?
Thanks. At least they never want my pretty stuff.
We visited Texas, LSU, Alabama, and Tennessee. He won’t talk–lol. He liked them all, but I think Texas may be out because of the distance. It was beautiful. Loved visiting Austin and eating at Black’s. Of course, we had a few days in Dallas. Ate at Bubba’s Chicken–didn’t visit the school across from it.
denise
Well, don’t I feel foolish as I use those phrases all of the time; however, I will ask if my wife wants to eat and when says, “Where do you want to go,” I say, “Where do you not want to go?” She will then spend time going over how it is my decision and follow it up with, “I don’t want to go there.”
I have to admit the truth. I’ve actually had those exact lunch discussions with friends so don’t feel guilty! And my poor hubby…I won’t know where I want to go to dinner or what to make for dinner, but I know what I don’t want. 🙂 He won’t even suggest things anymore. Poor guy. Now in that situation I do feel sorry for him and it’s a communication problem on my end. I will say, I’m working on it.
Thanks for being here today to chat. Take care and stay safe.
asking for directions
How could I have forgotten that major guy issue?! You’re so right. Guys don’t want to ask for directions. They’d rather brazen through it and wander around lost. Thanks for being here today and reminding me of that one. I’ve got to add it to my list.
Take care and stay safe.
Ways to relax.
Kim, that’s another good one that I forgot. As usual, all y’all are reminding me of things I forgot or teaching me new things. We all know that guys don’t want to talk about problems or feelings. When my boys were young I read that they will talk about issues as long as they’re doing something like shooting hoops, fixing or building something. When one of them were upset, I’d point out the fact to my husband, and tell him he needed to find a project or play a game with whichever boy. Worked every time. In fact, our oldest still calls him to come help with home improvement projects and invariably it’s when something’s going on in his life he needs to talk about.
Thanks for stopping by the corral today to talk. Take care and stay safe.
Guys don’t see any reason to update their wardrobe
Rhonda, oh goodness, you’re right, and I forgot that one, too! They’ll wear underwear with holes rather than buy new. (However, I will say online shopping has helped with that issue.) But for other things? Forget it. I have to say to my hubby. You need new shirts. Let’s buy some. If I didn’t do that he’d probably still be wearing the same clothes he did in college.
Thanks for stopping by today. Have a great rest of the week.
Don’t know if it’s in general but the ones in my house don’t like to listen when I try to warn them /remind them about things.
Thanks for the chance. ^^
Ashley, that’s true with my husband and my oldest son who had to learn things the hard way. I remember when he was five or so I told him not to jump on his bed because he’d get hurt. He said he wouldn’t. There was no point arguing with him and punishing him would only have made him melt down. But sure enough, not two minutes later, he got hurt.
Thanks for stopping by the corral today. Take care and have a fantastic rest of the week.
BTW, my oldest is still a bit of a know-it-all!
Yup that’s my Da and your oldest sounds like my youngest bro. He calls me a know it all mockingly. It’s like I know some things, espically cause I’ve lived longer it’s like I don’t want you makeing easily avoidable mistakes etc. making more work for yourself. And like if I didn’t care I wouldn’t bother saying nothing. tries to teach him better habits ofr the thousandth time
Thanks for having us and you too.
I think it’s feelings. Sometimes I think men don’t have feelings – they don’t acknowledge them or want to have anything to do with them.
I laugh and say men have two emotional reactions to things–they get angry or they become horny. But now that I think of it, I could probably add happy to the list. But, that’s about it. And whatever they feel, they rarely show it.
Thanks for stopping by to chat today. Take care and have a great week.
Men are visual creatures, and nothing else seems to matter!
Teresa, I forgot about that. If they can’t see it, it isn’t real. I’ve mentioned things I’ve noticed around the house. His response is invariably, “I haven’t seen it.” Drives me crazy!
Thanks for being at the corral today. Take care, stay safe, and have a fantastic week.
You know the saying women have the brains and men have the muscle. Women like peace and men went to control the world.
Depending too much on the GPS, and not asking for directions when they get lost. I usually look at a map before leaving home when I’m driving someplace where I’m not that familiar with the area.
Diana, that’s funny, but you’re right. When something doesn’t seem right when we’re driving somewhere, my husband always says, “But that’s what GPS says.” Now me, I’ve had GPS do some screwing things so I don’t assume it’s infallible.
Thanks for stopping by the corral today. Take care and have a super week.
My wife and I are the opposite on the issue. Every time she decides to take over the route it ends in a disaster. One time was actually a Google Map that took the weirdest path ever and put an extra day on the trip after my wife said, “This will get us home a day early.” I prefer a map – a detailed map.
My wife once got lost in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, ended up on an Interstate, and did not realize she was lost until she got to the next town over. She did manage to get home.
Oh, wow, I think the biggest difference between men and women is that men spend more time analyzing things than women. Not scientifically, but deciding like where to start a project. My three older sisters and their husband’s decided to paint my parent’s bedroom and bath, and the three men stood there TALKING about what steps should be taken first. One of my sisters took over and just started putting the tape around what she didn’t want painted, and then when she finished, she handed out paint brushes.The guys were still deciding what should be done first!
Trudy, I absolutely LOVE this story and am going to use it some day! You are so right. Men spend so much time planning the project. My husband drives me crazy doing that when I just want to get it done. And good for your sister for taking charge. Otherwise, you’re right. The painting never would’ve gotten done.
Thanks for being here today and for making me laugh. I can see the looks on those men’s faces when she handed them paint brushes. 🙂
Have a terrific week.
One thing I’ve noticed about my husband and myself, is where I like things neat and in place, my husband just casually tosses items and lets them stay wherever they land. He opens doors and drawers and forgets to close them back many times. He has ruined two refrigerators because he didn’t close the freezer door all the way. I always slide my chair back under the dining table, he does about 50 percent of the time. He is constantly misplacing tools in his shop because he puts them down anywhere and forgets where they are, sometimes never finding them!
Connie, how frustrating. My husband is terrible with mail and packages. What makes it worse is he orders everything through Amazon. He’ll open the box, bill, or card, take what he needs and leaves the rest on the counter! It drives me crazy. The mess would sit there forever if I didn’t deal with it.
Thanks for being here and keep fighting the good fight! ?
I have noticed (as have several of my friends) That women and men look for things differently. I think it boils down to historically (like from very early mankind) women are gathers and men are hunters. Women tend to have wider vision patterns than men do. We look for whatever we need or might need. Men are after that one item and seem to filter out everything else, looking for it where they think it should be. Tell a man something is in the middle of the third shelf up, If it is on the second shelf to the left, or even in the middle, chances are he won’t see it. This happens all the time. Just two days ago he was looking for something (vet tape) and I told him where it should be. He couldn’t find it. I opened the cupboard and it was right in front where it was supposed to be. He decided it should be on one shelf (tape and fasteners, etc) and never looked 6 inches down where the pet supplies were. Don’t get me wrong, he is a great guy. Like I said earlier, I am not the only one that has noticed this.
Patricia, I’m rolling on the floor laughing right now. As usual your assessment is on target. I’ll tell my husband where something is. He’ll say it’s not there. I’ll come out and sure enough, it’s within a couple of inches or a shelf. Yup, guys get tunnel vision.
Thanks for the laugh. Have a terrific rest of the week.
Men just don’t talk and they thing everything is just no big deal, why worry about anything. Women worry about everything.
You are so right. I’m always tell my hubby he doesn’t worry about anything. He then chuckles and says I worry too much so together we worry just the right amount.
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If an item comes in a box and has to be assembled we women will read the instructions first. The men I deal with don’t read the instructions until after the item doesn’t seem to be going together the way they think it should. Could have saved a lot of time if they had read the directions first.
Alice, you’re making me laugh too! You are so right. Guys assume they know how it goes together. If my hubby is struggling with putting something together, I’ll ask what the directions say and he’ll invariably say he hasn’t read them!
Thanks for the reminder and the laugh. Have a super rest of the eek.
Women worry constantly since they have to. Men internalize everything.
Anne, you’re right. We let everyone know what’s going on with us while men carry it silently.
Thanks for stopping by the corral to chat. Have a great week!
Women can do ten things at once and are made that way due to having children, housework and jobs. Men concentrate on one thing at a time and do it well. At least they think so.
That’s true l. Men don’t multitask well. If we women didn’t only one child would survive and the house would be chaos!
Thanks for being here today. Take care and stay safe.
I would say communication…
Colleen, yup, we just communicate differently. We also interpret what we hear differently.
Thanks for stopping by to chat. Have a terrific week.
My husband will tell me details about fixing an A/C unit or something on the cars. He will include problems he had and how he worked it out. I never try to explain how I sewed something or crocheted something. He doesn’t understand that I don’t get that technical stuff, and I don’t have the capacity too. (Or care to learn it.)
Connie, that’s so funny. My hubby deals with very technology related issues at work. I
Simply nod, act sympathetic, and pretend to understand. A guy would never do that.
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Fun post. Yes men are fixers. That is the way God made them. I now tell my husband when I start something, I dont need a fix, I just need you to listen to me (I smile and at the end thank him for just listening) There are sooooo many differences between men and women. But I think one of the biggest is: womens brains are constant even when sleeping. Men on the other hand have an empty box in their brains that they can go into where they think of literally nothing
Lori, I tell my husband the same thing when I want him to listen but not be a fixer. As to the brain stuff. No wonder we women get such awful sleep while our husbands sleep so peacefully. It all makes sense now after what you said.
Thanks for stopping by to chat. Have a great week.