“Does it bother you when I say her name? She was a part of my life for six months. A big part.”
“It isn’t so much that it bothers me, only that she seems to have left perfect shoes to fill, and I have… imperfect feet.”
I wrote this book back in 2017, An Ivy Tangles. It published April 28, 2017, just 5 days after my mother died and just two days after her funeral.
To say I was a mess for the release of that book was an understatement. However, in a lot of ways it was the biggest single release I’ve ever had. Many of my friends supported me by sharing the release in their newsletters. Not only that, but the book itself was one my readers had been waiting on for a long time. I’d hinted at Ivy and her sordid story for a few books before I wrote it.
While I was writing the story, my mother was going downhill. She was in a nursing home and had lung cancer. She hadn’t wanted surgery to remove the mass attacking her lung, so we knew the cancer would come back, but not when. When it happened the end came suddenly.
Since then, I’ve done very little with Ivy other than a quick re-read before putting it into the boxed set. I love the story, but it holds so many memories for me. Even that line above, calls to me. Ivy wanted so much to be seen as a person, which is why she hid a terrible secret. The pain that she felt was pushed onto the page because I was dealing with my own hurts.
One of the last times I saw my mother and she was lucid, she’d forgotten (again) that I was an author. To be fair, I’d only been an author for a little over a year at that point but having that title meant so much to me, especially because we both loved reading and books. Having her forget (repeatedly) something that was so important to me, hurt.
When I was cleaning out her room, I found a copy of my very first book, signed. One of the nurses had purchased it for her as a special Christmas gift. She’d gotten to the first chapter and set it aside, back on the shelf.
I know Mom loved me, but I never knew if she was proud of me. That’s something I won’t know this side of Heaven. But I could give Ivy what I needed. Something so important. I could give her closure and a future without wonder or regrets.
Is there some way you could reach into someone’s life today and spread some joy?
Love those around you. Tell them you’re proud and that life would stink without them in it. We weren’t made to fill someone else’s shoes.
God Bless
Kari
Where western meets happily ever after.
Kari writes swoony heroes and places that become characters with detail and heart.
Her favorite place to write about is the place her heart lives, (even if she doesn't) South Dakota.
Kari loves reading, listening to contemporary Christian music, singing when no one's listening, and curling up near the wood stove when winter hits. She makes her home in central Minnesota, land of frigid toes and mosquitoes the size of compact cars, with her husband of over twenty years. They have two daughters, two sons, one cat, and one hungry wood stove.
Kari- I’m so sorry for your loss, what a profound and heartbreaking story you shared. May you find comfort in knowing one day you’ll be able to see your mom and she can tell you how proud she was of you and your accomplishments.
May God bless you & comfort you.
Thank you. April is a difficult month for me (it was also the month of her birthday) and I do pray for that closure.
Loss is never easy. I just lost my brother.
Debra, I’m so sorry. Praying for comfort for you today.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. Loss is such a strange thing. The first year was hard, the second year filled with “surprises” where something odd would suddenly remind me of her. Every year after that has been so strange, I’ll feel like I’m chugging along and all of a sudden I’ll smell or taste or hear something and memories just flood back. But it never truly goes away. Not sure that I’d want it to. It’s all I have left. ?
Losing a love done is a moment in time you will never forget. I lost my mom in 1967 by a very tragic event with an escape of a Texas prison which led to multiple murders and kidnapping of my young sister and cousin. It was a very disturbing time so I know loss. In order to bring joy to another you have to be able to turn to compassion for others and not wallow in self pity. I hope, through my love of Jesus, to bring joy each and every day to others wherever I am. It is wonderful to make someone smile and be happy and to take their mind off things in their life which may be depressing them and keeping them from living a joyful life. It is a blessing from GOD. May GOD continue to bless your writing.
Goodness, Judy. You’ve had quite a life. And thank you, perspective is a good thing and it is my hope to bring a little joy to a few people as well.
Oh, Judy, what a horrible ordeal and loss for your family during that time. I can’t imagine the heartache and fear you all went through. But your blog comments here on P&P are always kind, uplifting, and compassionate. With God’s grace, you have pulled through and risen above those terrible memories.
I hope to carry half the grace you’ve been given. Hugs.
Kari, I was so touched by your post. Even as adults, we crave our mother’s love, whether or not she is able to give it. Perhaps your mom’s suffering made her more aloof or distant than she might have been otherwise.
Admittedly, my own mother was not perfect. No one is, including myself as a mother. The best we can do is not make the same mistakes that affected us so deeply in our pasts and become a better, more loving person to those around us.
Hoping An Ivy Tangles brings you some peace and satisfaction after all the years of memories. Hugs, my filly sister.
Thank you, Pam. You’re absolutely right. My past makes me pray and think and try to be there for my daughters and sons. I will never be perfect, and I know I’ll fail, but I’m so proud of them.
So sorry for your loss. I can relate, as my Mom just passed December of 2020. I was her caregiver for the last 9 years of her life, the biggest blessing of my life, to be honest. I can also honestly say I have no regrets. I told her I would never regret being home with her during that time, and I don’t. I’m very thankful God gave me that time with her. I know that I did my best for her, and she did, too, as she would tell me sometimes. I thank God every day that I could be home with her, just as I thank Him every day that He’s still getting me through the grieving process. If I was dealing with regrets, too, I would NOT be doing nearly as well as I am!!
Bless you, Trudy. That’s so wonderful. While I couldn’t be my mom’s caregiver toward the end because it just wasn’t possible, I was there for her weekly, driving her to appointments and just trying to make sure she wasn’t lonely. I’m so glad you got the chance to be a blessing to her.
Hi Kari, it is so very hard to lose a parent, I lost my dad in 2005 and my mom in 2019. I helped care for both of them and I was very Blessed that I was there with them both until they took their last breath. It was bittersweet losing them, but they had both been suffering for some time. They were both Very Good parents, it was hard for them because they were the parents and they are the ones to all us what to Do, and as a caregiver for a parent their child is telling them what to do, so it is tough, but I don’t regret it one bit that I was able to be there for both of them. I know they both loved me and they always showed it in different ways. As a parent our love is unconditional and it always will be . God Bless you my friend and God will give you the Peace that you need, one day you will see how Proud your Mom was and is of you.
Alicia, I’m so glad you could be there for your parents. I recently helped my father through a tough patch. He’s so very independent, accepting my help wasn’t easy. You’re right, they want to be the helpers, not the ones helped. Thank you so much for your comment. Have a wonderful day.
Thank you so much for sharing. We had a wonderful time visiting with my Mom in a nursing home this afternoon. We have not been able to see her since December 26. There had been numerous cases of Covid as well as my Mom having infections. I have low immunity so the doctor’s did not feel it was safe for me to see her. The Lord has used you to touch so many lives. Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
Debbie, I’m so glad you got to see her! That’s a long absence. I hope both you and she continue to feel well enough to visit. Have a blessed day <3