To my surprise I mentioned to some friends (well, FORMER FRIENDS, the wimps) that I came home the other day and there was semen on my front porch. (Note the warning to keep the tank upright…I”m guessing that there is NO ORDER concerning a semen tank that anyone would dare disobey.)
Now stick with me all you CITY GIRLS while I tell you about Artificial Insemination of cattle.
The majority of his cattle are just nice, run-of-the-mill angus cows, but there is this special side to raising beef cattle that can lead to big money.
The picture of the calf is from our herd and that”s My Cowboy above with the annoyed mama glaring while he feeds her baby. This picture doesn”t capture My Cowboy”s basic cuteness. The cap and sunglasses really wrecks it but the man wasn”t about to pose and smile for the camera.
Hornster, Rib Eye; Red Hot Poker; Romeo; Grand Slam; Ladies Man; Bullicious; Rapid Response; Powerhouse; Red Hot &Rollin’—I could go on forever.
They seem to have a naughty bend. . .at least quite a bit of the time. Hmmmm I guess I’ll forego a comment on that, nothing I’m thinking bears repeating.
So he buys the semen and he makes his choices on this list of things, attributes that the bull owner promises. (Many of these bulls are dead-we can talk about that if you want). Here are some sample promises:
Birth weight of 56 pounds (that’s small-which doesn’t matter and is in fact good IF the calf gains quickly, a small calf is easier for the cow to deliver and complications are reduced)
–Progeny are Strong-topped, Deep and Sound with Ample Eye-appeal (this is NOT in English, do NOT worry if you have no idea what it means)
–Structured bull who possesses loads of bone substance, base width, muscle mass and volume.
— one of the most talked about bulls in the business
— Over 100 calves ratioed 97 for birth wt. in nine herds, 103 for weaning weight, and 60 calves ratioed 102 for yearling wt (this is actually something to really brag about but I don’t have time to define all the terms, just trust me)
— This may be the most powerful “878” son you’ll see with plenty of muscle and bone. (878 is the name of another bull, in this case, this bull’s daddy.)
He gets these full color beautiful catalogues with pictures of bulls that (this is secret so don’t tell My Cowboy I said it) ALL LOOK ALIKE.
They all look NICE, but c’mon, they’re black angus bulls. Of course they’re not all “the most powerful “878” son you’ll see—”, but those details don’t exactly show up in the snapshot.
Then he buys it and it’s shipped to our house (do NOT ask me who does this for a living. The vet maybe? Is there an actual ‘semen delivery man’. Does UPS handle this stuff).
It’s actually pretty tricky. I’m skipping details that you’d THANK me for skipping if you just knew what they are. Don’t even TALK about Gomer Bulls, that’s just too weird.
Until I mention to some city girls (Please unblock me from your email. I promise not to bring up what’s on my porch again-although I”ve got a rabid skunk story that I think you”d love. And there”s a REASON it looks like there”s been a drive-by shooting on my porch. And does anyone know where to buy large quantities of wood putty?).
If you want to know what a Gomer Bull is, Google it. I am NOT going into that. Ick.
enjoyment, a few captions
A Gomer Bull has had surgery WHERE?
I”m being replaced with a frozen tank? I don”t think so. Bring it!
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