1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting. This also applies to a building you are surveying in the dark to spy on someone. There is always an open spot on the street with a view of the exact window you need to see.
2. If you suspect your boyfriend is cheating on you, simply go to any restaurant with your girlfriends to catch him. He will never see you there, so slip out and walk home.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired. If you need to catch a breaking news report, try stepping out of the shower and flipping on the TV.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. This phenomenon can be seen in high school hallways and classrooms as well.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode. Try as you will, you will never get the bomb diffused until 3 seconds away from detonation.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving and kissing. Makeup looks as fresh in the morning as it did the night before and hair is only becomingly mussed, never ratted or all bunched up on one side.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day, especially if their family has planned a party. (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty.)
12. Getaway cars never start with the first turn of the key in the ignition. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene.) If you’re trying to escape a maniacal killer, you will drop the keys as soon as you get into the car and then fumble with them. It will never occur to you to roll up the window and lock the doors.
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate all strange noises while wearing their most revealing underwear. Walk backwards a lot and don’t look behind you.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard . . .
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper b. When said bags break, only fruit will spill out.
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feed back.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. If you want to live, don’t get out a photo.
26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments, but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighborhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.
27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium or an underground cave.
28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.
29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once.
30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once, and the most important conversations happen at the urinal in the restroom.
36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
37. Most musical instruments, especially wind instruments and accordions, can be played without moving your fingers.
39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present, even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties.
40. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. This works at restaurants as well. If your girlfriend gets in a huff and runs out, just throw money on the table or at the girl at the counter.
What did I miss? Can you think of anything else that happens only in the movies?
I’ve been on hiatus, recovering from a knee replacement. It’s good to be back in touch!