A Good Walk Spoiled

 
Well I wanted to write about cowboy stuff this week.
Planned to in fact.
I’ve got a book coming out July 1st
I really ought to be talking about that.
But I’ve got to tell you all about an experience I had that is odd and upsetting and may lead to me making a fortune. I went golfing.
Golfing is a very old sport and while I’ve never heard of any cowboys playing it, I’m sure it had been invented so I think I slink within the parameters of the focus of this blog…try to picture John Wayne with a golf club in his hand instead of a Winchester and we’re good to go.
No, I don’t play well. I’m not going to make a fortune by joining the pro tour. I’m not good enough for that. And well, okay, not the women’s pro-tour. And no, not even the Senior Women’s Pro-tour. (Is there one of those?)
That’s not how I’m going to make my money.
Two words
SPEED GOLF
It is my idea. I officially patent it here before you all publicly today. I share it with the world and officially claim the fortune that is to be made with
SPEED GOLF
Here’s the thing I found out about golf when I was tricked into going.
It’s slow.
I cannot believe how long those people take to line up their bodies and clubs and balls. The title of this blog is a reference to a book written by John Feinstein about the ups and downs-vicissitude if you will-of golf.
And yeah, I’ve been dying for a chance to use the word vicissitudes in a blog post, so happy day for Mary. 🙂
 I cannot believe how many practice swings those people took.
I soon lost the will to live and–in order to cling to life, as well as to remain sane (shut up, Cheryl, I am too-all records to the contrary have been sealed)
I resorted to my usual pastime.
Sarcasm.
And planning a blog post.
 I got to thinking, if they’d just let me GO!
I’m mean sure I was only dribbling the ball out a few yards…
okay, a few feet…
okay, it sometimes went backward…
when I didn’t miss it entirely.
But mostly I was whacking it forward and it didn’t go far.
While all those show offs who’d fake swing over and over and over.
And line their bodies up and stare at the hole and test the wind–
while they were getting ready to hit…and I will admit that they hit it far. I’m not saying all that time and trouble doesn’t WORK. But still, I think I’d have been able to beat them if only we’d been playing for TIME instead of strokes.
I could have hit it ten times and I’d be on the next hole already. And I think you should be able to pass people, too, like a foursome that’s ahead of you. Hey! This is SPEED GOLF people.
Think Nascar.
Get your motor running.
Born to be wild
That’s when I got the idea for
SPEED GOLF.
I want you all to mentally add a deep, deep voice-James Earl Jones and make it echo when you read
SPEED GOLF
I think I’ll make more money if you do that, so play along.
It would require padding, but most sports do.
You’d just line four people up, yell GO! and first one done with 18 holes wins.
This could really catch on.
A helmet, shoulder pads, shin guards, steel toed boots, maybe a chest protector-and a STOP WATCH. All decorated with a neat little Nike Swish.
I want a cut of that money, too.
I am telling you this could be BIG.
We are a fast paced society. We time EVERYTHING.
Why not golf?
Why not
Speed Golf 
(James Earl Jones – echo – c’mon work with me)
That guy in the picture above would be FINE if he had a helmet.
Any golfers out there? What do you think?
I promise I’ll invite you all out on my yacht
just as soon as the money starts rolling in.
 
And no, I’m not getting invited back to go golfing next week,
why do you ask?
Montana Rose available for pre-order on Amazon.
Click on the cover to order
Mary Connealy
Author of Romantic Comedy...with Cowboys including the bestselling Kincaid Brides Series
https://petticoatsandpistols.com/sweepstakesrules
Updated: June 21, 2009 — 12:03 pm

22 Comments

  1. Hi Mary! Hilarious post. I played golf one time in my life. Hated it, for all the reasons you cited. By the time it was over, I was nearly catatonic.

    You mentioned cowboys playing golf. I immediately thought of Zane Grey’s “Her Majesty’s Rancho.” (or was it “Under the Light of Western Stars”?) Hmm.. been too many years and the memory has gone the way of the mind. Anyway, whichever, in the story the cowboys are introduced to “go-lof.”

  2. Cowboys playing golf, Devon? Really?

    ALRIGHT! MY BLOG IS ABOUT COWBOYS!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. I play golf. But still all the years I have been playing still am not a good golfer.. But I just have fun. It is away for me to get some fresh air and excersise.. Of course, we use a golf cart, but you have to get out of the golf cart and walk over to your ball.
    And as for cowboys, and my hero inparticular, John Wayne, I think he played in one of those Bob Hope pro/am games for charity once.

  4. Hi Mary, hilarious as always.

    I have golfed and it is hard LOL. Purists only take one practice swing, which of course I am not and do a bunch of them. My husband is practially scratch; golf is his favorite thing other than me 🙂 Make that our grandson.

    I admit to watching golf. I love the quiet and the classiness, no tattooes. Phil Mickelson broke my heart when he said “we” will start cancer treatment soon. I so wish he’d won the Open–he’s a habitual second-placer. And also a leftie like me.

    I love the idea of a cowboy hiting the links. Golf courses are so pretty, I wish they let you bring your dog. But hubby says pooches might leave behind some little surprises in the divets.

    Well, off to a bridal gown fitting with our daughter. Whew. It’s coming on fast.

  5. Hilarious, Mary! But speed golf is already a thing, even if it hasn’t caught on well with the rest of the golfing world:

    http://www.golfersgolf.com/golf.php?zone=921081

    🙂

  6. I’ve played golf. I even own my own set of clubs. And some day I might clean off the five years worth of accumulated dust and go whack at a ball again.

    And Mary, lots of Cowboys play golf. It’s a favorite relaxation of pro football players everywhere. I’m sorry, what did you say—not THAT kind of Cowboy? Oh. Never mind. 🙂

  7. Oh, I have clubs and everything, too, even took lessons. Left-handed clubs even. The pro tried to get me to learn right-handed and I tried…but no go.

    Driving a golf cart is way fun.

    Bye for now…oxoxox

  8. I have never played golf but I do not think I would like it

    Melinda

  9. Mary…what a hoot…I can just see it and it cracks me up! I have played golf…more than once even. It was with family so they had to invite me to go along. I, too feel that it moves too slowly. I guess I mostly felt lonely because my ball dribbled down the center of the fairway so it took me forever to get to the green and nobody was keeping me company. Then I was sure to get my money’s worth but staying on that green for lots of shots all the while trying not to hear the comments around me. I was playing out in western Nebraska near Rushville on the old sand gree course and all I really got for all my fun was a sunburn(not many trees on this course) and grabby golfers.

  10. Too funny!!! I’m a golfer–if you use the term loosely. I don’t take practice swings. If I did, as many times as I hit, I’d be exhausted. The course where I play has GPS on the carts so we’ll know the distance to the hole. Like knowing that helps. My d/h says, “Use your 100 yard club.” Yeah, right. Each swing of the same club is a new experience. It’s a tough game, Mary. Playing it faster would only make it tougher and believe me when I say, golf is all about tradition and etiquette. Change is out of the question. But I love the idea.

    Janet

  11. LOL, Mary! I’m with you on “Speed Golf.” Make that “Speed Mini Golf.” My dad loved the game. As a kid, I remember him watching golf on TV. I’d watch it with him and inevitably I’d fall asleep in five minutes.

    Golf on TV! A sure-fire cure for insomnia!

    I’ve swung a club a few times, even took a few lessons. It’s definitely not my thing, but I like walking on golf courses. They’re always pretty.

  12. OK, Mary, I am an addicted golfer. In fact a friend and I are driving to Cambridge, Ne to play in a golf tournament next week. Speed golf?? Slow players are supposed to let faster players “play through”. Unless it is a tournament then you are obligated to wait. If a slow player is a poor player he is a “hacker”. If a slow play is very good he is “deliberate”.

    To prove a point, or win a bet (I’m not sure which) the pro at a course where we played said he could play 9 holes in 25 minutes. He had another golfer drive the cart, hand him the clubs, pick up his ball, and anything else to be helpful. He did get the job done. BTW a normal 9-hole round of golf takes about 2 hours.
    Loved your post.

  13. Hi Mary!

    Terrific post. I’m not a golfer and so can’t say anything about it, but interesting post. : )

  14. Hi everyone. I’ve been grounded from my computer all day. Maddening. Good for me though. Except for the DTs and pink elephants I’m seeing.

  15. None of the “big links” for me – give me miniature
    golf anytime!

    If you run into any problems in patenting your SPEED
    GOLF ( and yes, I did my best James Earl Jones voice) I’m here to attest to your claim! Good Luck!

    Pat Cochran

  16. Thank you, Pat. Just knowing you said it right makes me feel wealthier.

  17. Avatar

    I read this blog to my husband, the golfer. He walked away disgusted. When asked why, “She’s missing the point.” You go out to play, take your time, enjoy the walk and the game. Speed isn’t supposed to be a factor. I am not a golfer. I’m not very good at sports. I took a half semester of bowling in college and barely broke 100 by the end of the class. My husband tried to teach me tennis and gave up. The kids refused to get anymore balls I hit over the fence. It sometimes takes me 6 to 10 shots per hole in miniature golf. I don’t even want to think what regular golf would be like. He has asked me to come with him. Not to play, to ride in the cart and read. He considers golf a relaxation and waiting for me to find the green would be anything but. I don’t want speed sports. I like hiking, lazy canoeing with some whitewater, and just enjoying nature. That shouldn’t be rushed.

  18. I clicked on that Speed Golf link. Hmmmmm okay not the same as mine but using my name…

    How about we call my sport. Connealy Golf. I think that has a nice ring to it.

    Like a CASH REGISTER!!!

  19. Patricia, your husband walked away DISGUSTED?

    Yikes. Did you direct his attention to my blog about HUGE ANTLERS. That might bring him back into the fold. Tell him I’m sorry. Usually the only husband I disgust is my own.

  20. I love the idea! The only thing more boring and slower than golf is watching it on television! and PEOPLE DO THAT! And the announcer speaks really quietly in case anyone has already fallen asleep, he won’t wake them up.

  21. Hi Mary – you had me grinning again. We went to Palm Springs this week and played Miniature golf. I can assure you that it went a bit faster and you get to hit the balls into pretty Victorian houses.
    If I need a nap, I watch golf on TV!

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