One Ranger ~ One Riot -Chuck Norris Jokes

I am one of those people who are annoyed when movies don’t make any kind of sense and break all the rules to put the stars in peril. A good example of this is when the cop goes charging into a dangerous situation without calling for back up. I mutter at the TV screen, “Call for back-up. Call for Back-up, Call for back-up.” Then groan and roll my eyes when they don’t.

But not Walker Texas Ranger.

Hey, One Ranger ~ One Riot.

Walker’s not gonna call for back-up. Back-up is for WIMPS. Anyway, why waste the gas for back-up to drive over when he’ll clear things out on his own, no problem.

I found Chuck Norris jokes. These are only a few of….estimating … rounding down … ONE ZILLION.

 

My daughter started telling Chuck Norris jokes while floating along on our boat on the river one day.

Who knew? I picked a few favorites. I really love jokes, and comic strips because to me, a well done twist of words is a writing skill and I really love seeing what a joke writer can do in so few words.

 

1.     If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

2.      Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.  

3.      Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.

4.      Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

5.      When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn’t get wet water gets Chuck Norris.  

6.      What is the quickest way to mans heart?
Chuck Norris’s fist.   

7.      The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

8.      The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

9 . In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you.

10. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. 

11.  Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

14. 13. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

14. The picture on the left? Chuck Norris Toilet Paper.

15. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.” 

16. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him. 

17. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.  

18. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.

19. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.

20. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder.

21. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

22. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in

23. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a Jeep.

24. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.

25. Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

26. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

27. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.  

28. There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

29. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Never his own.

 

 And here’s one that’s serious. This isn’t a joke. This is ‘Chuck’s Code of Ethics. Chuck Norris had created an organization that helps at-risk teens find themselves, self-control and ethics through martial arts training. He has donated to it as well as raised millions of dollars to it. So don’t forget, while a silly but fun culture of jokes about Chuck’s insane toughest run wild, there’s a serious and thoughtful side to the man, too.

Have you ever heard of these? Google Chuck Norris Jokes (If you’re not afraid) and the supply is endless. I Googled Chuck Norris Images and there are about a zillion Chuck Norris picture jokes, too. If they were REALLY scared of Chuck Norris, I suppose there won’t be any. Tell me a Chuck Norris joke…if you dare!

 

           

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63 thoughts on “One Ranger ~ One Riot -Chuck Norris Jokes”

  1. LOL..those are a trip!! My granfather use to sit for hours watching that show! I never knew the was so joked about!

  2. Oh my gosh, my family LOVES to tell Chuck Norris jokes! And there are a few here that I’d never heard before. Goody, goody, I get to tell the family!

    Thanks, Mary! 😀

  3. I loved that show. It reminds me of how few shows there are these days that I care if I miss.
    Remember the days when you’d try to keep a Tuesday or Thursday free so you could stay home and watch The Cosby Show.
    I was a huge Remington Steele fan. I was ridiculous about being home and in front of the TV on Tuesday nights.
    And Chuck. On Saturday night for heaven’s sake. How did they expect any one to stay home for that?
    And yet, I did. 🙂

  4. Oh my stars, my 15 year old son will be in heaven! It seems that all I hear are Chuck Norris jokes these days.

    When the boogeyman goes to sleep everynight, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. Just another fist.

    I tell you, I could go on and on. But I won’t.

  5. I must be out of the loop, cause I haven’t heard these before. So this was a good way to wake up this morning! I laughed my way through them all, but my favorite is the 1/8 Cherokee joke! And I liked the one about him getting the role in 24! Now, I’m going to have to google Chuck Norris to see what else there is!

  6. Where have I been? I know who Chuck Norris is, but I’ve never seen a show. I assume from the jokes that he’s a tough guy. *g* Seems I’ve seen him on PTL.

  7. These reminded me a little of Elephant jokes when I was a kid. Remember those?
    How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the pizza.
    What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence.

    Poor Chuck the Elephant Joke of generation X.

    He ought to get a few bucks for each joke.

  8. Mary, what a great way to start my day! Loved the jokes. I can’t think of any to add. Sorry. You’ve done a wonderful job though.

    I loved Walker, Texas Ranger. I watched it faithfully and could barely wait until the next episode. Then, I’d be parked in front of the TV and no one had better bother me while it was on. Great show. I loved his black sidekick too but I can’t think of his name right now. Lots of action and humor to keep me riveted. I also loved that they gave him a romance. She was so pretty.

    Excellent post!

  9. Clarence Gilyard was the sidekick. I had to look it up. He was this sort of wimpy (at first) computer geek city boy to Walker’s tough, round-house kicking ranger. A great combination. Gilyard got really tough by the end though, he and Walker were a good mis-matched buddy movie pair.
    Interesting fun fact about Gilyard, he was the computer genius bad guy in the original Die Hard and the only bad guy I remember who DIDN’T die.

  10. I don’t know any Chuck Jocks to send in but i really enjoyed yours! very Intertaining. Thanks

  11. Terry,
    “There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. Just another fist.” Is one of my favorites. Have you seen the “Family Guy” episode that talks about Chuck Norris? It references your joke and is hilarious!

  12. Okay, without reading Mary’s post first, I’m going to comment. Then I’ll read. I have a 44 yo friend who’s in the nursing home. Every Tuesday night Karen and I enjoy something other than nursing-home-cafeteria food like pizza, Mexican food, chicken salad, etc, and the occasional chili dog. They don’t serve chili dogs in the nursing home.

    Then we usually watch Walker, Texas Ranger, one of her absolute favorite shows. I enjoy the show a lot, but I spend a lot of time…

    A) Hollering about how stupid it is for Walker, Gage, Sydney, and Trivett to attempt to (sorry, delete the words “attempt to”) solve a dangerous situation on their own.

    B) Telling Karen what’s going to happen next.

    She mostly laughs at me.

    Mary, I’ll have to print your jokes out and share them with Karen. If anything will get her out of that wheelchair, it’s folks making fun of HER MAN!

    I’ll let you know how it goes…If I live.

  13. Pam, I’m sure there’s a Chuck Norris joke in Chuck Norris jokes getting someone out of a wheelchair.

    God bless you for being a great friend.
    I feel just the same as you when a policeman goes in with out back up. Sometimes without even calling to report his position…that is absolutely against the rules. And hey, whoa, they have these nifty little deals that connect straight to the headquarters…um RADIOs I believe they’re called.

    But not WALKER. Not a Texas Ranger, Pam. C’mon. Walker goes in alone and it’s STILL too easy for him.

  14. You’re kidding, Janet! Miss Adelaide is that tough? I can’t wait to see it. LOL
    Courting Miss Adelaide is Janet Dean’s Love Inspired Historical coming in September. You need to guest blog with us.

  15. Mary, do you make enough money to pay ALL these people to comment?

    Impressive, girlfriend!

    Chuck Norris jokes????

    Okay, playing along…

    Chucky-boy is the quintessential man’s man. He doesn’t need a whole lot of positive re-enforcement, doesn’t even need much of a challenge, scarcely ‘needs’ a woman, and he LISTENS and RESPONDS which is a trick most men have yet to learn.

    I have a hard time believing he’s not a minister in disguise, kind of like modern day Kung Fu Shaolin priest dude.

    And I have to confess that not only do I not know any Chuck Norris jokes, I’ve…

    Gulp.

    Never watched the show. I’ve seen bits and pieces when the husband-type creature who prowls my house finds the remote, and when the boys gather and channel surf with rapid-fire fingers…

    I might catch about eight minutes of Walker then, until they dare to interrupt with commercials, then it’s off to the next round of stations.

    So, Mare…

    What put this into your pretty little head, hmm?

    Just curious.

    Ruthy

  16. Did I ever tell you about the date I had where a guy insulted both Jesus and Chuck Norris?
    He said, “Chuck Norris has never done anything for the people of Ryan [OK, his hometown].” And I responded, “Never done anything for them? Everyday those people wake up and Chuck Norris hasn’t killed them in their sleep.”

  17. I remember disliking “Walker.” No worries, I am writing this from someone elses computer so when Chuck’s fist comes through it I will be ok…
    My friends and I do tend to sit around and tell Chuck Norris facts until the first person can’t come up with one!

  18. Ruthy, You are so brave. Not to admit to all of us Western lovers that you’ve never seen Walker, but to admit to CHUCK NORRIS that you’ve never seen Walker. (Okay, that’s almost a Chuck Norris joke…I just wrote it myself) 😀

  19. I’m scheduled to guestblog at Petticoats and Pistols September 6 and 7, Mary. I’m looking forward to it! Once you read Courting Miss Adelaide, you’ll see Adelaide has a tough side. Do I look like I’d create a wimp? Never mind! Don’t answer that.

  20. So I’m guessing you’re not bringing the Jesus insulting, Chuck Norris insulting guy home to meet the parents???

    Jesus insutling I’ve got a problem with. Chuck Norris, well, I’ll let Chuck take care of that himself.

  21. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

  22. I forgot to mention that when someone can’t come up with a Chuck Norris joke, he shows up and beats them to death. Which only takes one punch. It’s a dangerous game.

  23. Wow. I had no idea there was even such a thing as a Chuck Norris joke. Obviously, one must ask what planet I have been living on. However, I do enjoy watching his Total Gym infomercials.

  24. Mary asked: What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died?

    But Mary, have you ever noticed that on Texas Ranger, the Rangers hardly EVER actually kill anyone?

    They just pop ’em a few times, then leave them lying there. Maybe a pop is enough to kill ’em.

  25. It looks like Chuck Norris has written several books. I totally just requested all of them from the library. “The justice riders : a novel,” “Against all odds : my story,” “The secret power within : Zen solutions to real problems,” and “The secret of inner strength : my story.”

  26. Well you know some now, Estella.

    Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

  27. Oh, dear!

    Mary, I have to tell you that I am afraid to tell
    you a Chuck Norris joke! Why? Because I live in
    Texas and he visits the state frequently! Note that I didn’t mention which city I live in!

    Pat Cochran

  28. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts skills. He promptly round-house kicked the devil to the face getting his soul back. The devil, appreciating irony, couldn’t stay angry. They now play poker every third Thursday.

  29. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

  30. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.

  31. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’till.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

  32. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

  33. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

    Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

  34. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

  35. I hope none of these are redundant:
    1. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
    2. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
    3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
    4. If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
    5. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
    6. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
    7. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
    8. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
    9. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
    10. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
    11. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
    12. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
    13. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
    14. Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
    15. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
    16. Chuck Norris’s urine was the main ingredient for balco’s designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
    17. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
    18. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.
    19. Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
    20. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be “Norrisized”.
    21. Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
    22. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
    23. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
    24. Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
    25. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
    26. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
    27. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
    28. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
    29. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
    30. Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
    31. When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score a 1600.
    32. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
    33. When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
    34. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
    35. Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
    36. Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
    37. In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
    38. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
    39. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
    40. Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”
    41. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
    42. If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his butt kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
    43. Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
    44. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
    45. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
    46. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
    47. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them
    48. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
    49. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
    50. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

  36. I give up already. I had no idea first:

    The vast number.

    The number of math probabilities stymied because of Chuck Norris.

    The vast amount of scientific theory proved false by Chuck Norris.

    That Superman wears Chuck Norris p.j.’s, but I can SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO see it.

    I stand educated and affirmed before this wide audience and promise to watch Chuck and Co. some time soon.

    Ruthy

  37. Okay, I think I have to admit defeat. Not that there aren’t MORE Chuck Norris jokes. Talk about infinity. But maybe we have enough to give us all the idea.

    And Ruthy, do not EVER underestimate Chuck Norris.

  38. My kids LOVE him and love the jokes. It’s like a new phase for the old actor. He’s really cool with the teenagers! (of course, they’re making fun of him even as they admire him). 🙂

    Missy

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