Dear Santa: I Can Explain

Kathleen Rice Adams

 

Dear Santa,

Ed's teethI was framed.

You’ve probably heard by now that I’ve been bad this year. All those things? I didn’t do them.

For example, I did not snap at my brother, repeatedly. I was showing him what good dental hygiene looks like. And anyway, if he hadn’t tried to usurp my spot in Mom’s lap, somebody who wasn’t me never would’ve snapped.

I also didn’t hop onto the kitchen counter. I climbed up there using a stool. If Mom hadn’t left the stool in such a convenient spot, that wouldn’t have happened, either.

The trash bag incident was the fault of a marauding pack of wild Chihuahuas who broke into the house while I was occupied trying to remove a squirrel from the premises. Have you ever seen the mess marauding Chihuahuas make? It isn’t pretty.

As for the bathroom trashcan… That was my brother. He’s always committing crimes and then pointing the paw at me. Let me tell you, Santa, he’s no angel. I was just trying to clean up the disaster.

Ed cuteWhen I dragged the roast out of the shopping bag, I was trying to help Mom put away the groceries. Do you realize how flimsy the packaging is on meat? Someone at the grocery store needs to address that.

Likewise, I did not rip open the bag of dog food. “Ripping” is too strong a word. I carefully chewed off a corner—and I only did that so Mom wouldn’t have to wrestle the bag open on her own.

As for peeing in the house… That rule simply isn’t fair. Mom pees in the house. I’ve tried to teach her to go outside, but she’s stubborn. And besides, there’s no DNA evidence to support her claim that she caught me in the act.

I did not drag the clean sheets out of the laundry basket, scruff them into a pile, and lie on them. Everybody knows sheets are much more comfortable on the bed.

Neither did I hide Mom’s shoe. I was redecorating, and Mom left her shoes in a spot that completely destroyed the aesthetic. One shoe created a pleasing avant-garde effect. Two shoes was one too many.

Ed's earsMom was also to blame when someone bit her nose. She shouldn’t have tried to trim my toenails. I go to great trouble to grow my nails to the precise length required for gardening (which, by the way, isn’t being bad, despite Mom’s insistence she hadn’t planned to put a plant in that spot). It was just a tiny little nip, anyway.

I did not leave teeth marks on the corner of a book. I was checking to make sure Mom’s editor hadn’t missed anything embarrassing. (Mom is notorious for mixing up words like “desert” and “dessert,” you know.) I had to turn the page somehow.

And speaking of her editor… I admit I typed a message into a chatroom where Mom was conversing with the Prairie Rose honchos. I can explain that, though: The minute Mom stepped away from her desk, I could tell gossip was about to erupt. Was I supposed to sit quietly and let them savage Mom while her back was turned?

Ed's profileThe accusation that I ate the tamale Mom was going to have for lunch is nothing more than a vicious rumor. There is not the slightest bit of evidence a tamale was ever on that plate.

I also did not find a chicken bone in the yard and attempt to run off and gnaw on it. That was another case of me trying to tidy up the place. Indoors isn’t the only part of the environment around here that could use a good cleaning.

In my defense, I should mention that I try to atone for all the bad things I don’t do by being a fierce watchdog. Nobody gets into my house—not burglars, rapists, ax-murderers, or Mom’s family. (You can’t be too careful, and some of Mom’s relatives look pretty sketchy.)

Ed on Santa's listI hope you will keep all of this in mind when you decide who’s been naughty and nice this year. Just to be sure there’s no mistake, I belong on the “nice” list. If you have to put someone around here on the naughty list, I think it should be pretty clear by now that Mom’s the real troublemaker.

Love,
Ed

P.S.
I hope you will bring me my own treats. Otherwise, my brothers and sister will just claim I stole theirs. I would never, ever, contemplate snatching a treat out of someone else’s mouth, no matter what the others say.

P.S.S.
If the cookies and milk are gone when you get here, it’s because there’s a marauding cat in the neighborhood, too.

 

(Ed would like to convince someone to vouch for him to Santa, and he’s willing to stoop to bribery to do so. Leave a comment telling him what you want for Christmas. He’ll pick two commenters and send each an ebook version of the Christmas anthology Wishing for a Cowboy.)

 

Save

Save

Save

Save

Kathleen Rice Adams
A Texan to the bone, award-winning author Kathleen Rice Adams spends her days chasing news stories and her nights and weekends shooting it out with Wild West desperados. Leave the upstanding, law-abiding heroes to other folks. In Kathleen's tales, even the good guys wear black hats.

Her short story “The Second-Best Ranger in Texas” won the Peacemaker Award for Best Western Short Fiction. Her novel Prodigal Gun won the EPIC Award for Historical Romance and is the only western historical romance ever to final for a Peacemaker in a book-length category.

Visit her at the Hole in the Web Gang's hideout, KathleenRiceAdams.com. Or, connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest. Her Amazon author page is here.

45 Comments

  1. What an adorable post Kathleen. I love all the pictures as well.

    The one thing I truly want for Christmas this year is for my mom to get better. The doctors say she is in end stage cardiac failure but they are just men and I know we have an awesome God that works miracles. I’m praying for one of His miracles.

    May you all be blessed this Christmas.

    Blessings,
    Cindy W.

    1. Cindy, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. You’re right: God does work miracles; Christmas is proof. I’ll keep you, your mom, and the rest of your family in my prayers.

      Big, warm hugs to you, dear lady. May you and yours receive every blessing the season has to offer.

      With all my best,
      Kathleen

  2. Kathleen what a fun and cute post. I’m staying home here in Kansas this year instead of traveling back home to Texas. Not having to travel & face traffic, I feel at peace and it will be no stress this year.
    Merry Christmas & Happy New Year: Tonya

    1. Tonya, Texas will miss you, but it sounds like you’re giving yourself a wonderful Christmas gift! There will be other times to visit, when travel and traffic aren’t so onerous.

      You and yours have a magical Christmas. I wish you peace, prosperity, and health in the coming year.

      {{{hugs}}}
      Kathleen

  3. I loved the letter. It was so adorable. I just want my kids to be happy. I have what I want for myself.

    1. Spoken like a loving mom, Debra. As long as you love them, I’ll bet they have want they want, too. 🙂

      Merry Christmas!

  4. With a face like that, he has to be innocent. I would love for my husband to find a job where he is appreciated and respected.

    1. Don’t let the innocent face fool you, Janine. He always looks especially innocent right after he’s done something evil. 😀

      I’m hoping Santa brings your husband the best job ever. Both you and he deserve some sunshine. 🙂

  5. Oh Ed, you are completely innocent! I totally believe you. Just let me know if anyone gives you any trouble, I will handle it for you.
    All I want for Christmas is the motivation to clean my house. No, seriously! I have two parties this weekend and just don’t look forward to making the house spotless. 😉

    1. Susan, Ed appreciates your offer to help so much that he’d like to return the favor. He’ll come right over and help you decorate. (You may want to lock the door immediately. Just sayin’.)

      Merry Christmas to you and yours! (Don’t worry about a spotless house. I’ve learned that strategically placed garland can hide a multitude of sins. 😉 )

  6. Ed with a face like that of course you are innocent of all the charges against you…lol. I would like Santa to bring me a big strong man to help me pack up for the reno that is taking place in my home soon…

    1. Ooh! Ask him to bring two, and you can re-gift one to me! I’ve always wanted a big, strong cowboy with a rare-but-sparkling smile, deep, soulful eyes, and.. Ahem. Sorry. Got lost there for a moment.

      Kathleen, I hope Santa brings you everything you want. Merry Christmas!

  7. I think Ed’s cousin Odie lives with me. It’s never his fault either. He blames his sister the cat, who kicks his butt every chance she gets. All I want for Christmas is for all my family to be happy and healthy. Merry Christmas ?

    1. I suspect Ed and Odie are part of a very large family. 😀

      Happiness and health — as long as we have those, we have the best gifts ever, right?

      Merry Christmas, Maureen!

  8. What a fun post, Kathleen! And I loved all the cute pictures. For Christmas, the one thing I’d like most is for those dear to me to open their hearts to the true meaning of Christmas. I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday!

    1. Kathryn, I wish you much heart-opening. I have no doubt your dear ones have seen the meaning of Christmas in you. 🙂

      Merry Christmas, filly sister! May much love, happiness, and peace reside with you and yours.

  9. What I would like for Christmas is for people to make a donation to the children’s tumor Foundation at http://www.ctf.org…. this charity is near and dear to me and my family as they are searching for a cure or treatment for the disorder that myself and my children have. One really cool thing about this charity is 83% of all donations go directly to research

    1. I know that charity! You and your daughter and niece participate in the fundraising walk every year, don’t you?

      We need more support for so-called “orphan diseases” — health challenges that receive so little attention many doctors don’t even know about them. Such conditions may not affect a large segment of the population, but the effect they have on the lives they touch is enormous. That makes them everyone’s concern.

      Many hugs to you, Mercedes! I hope your holidays are merry and bright. Hug your nutty mom for me!

      1. Thank you

  10. Hahaha. Ed is a good writer. He’s gonna put the rest of us out of business.

    1. He’s already working on a submission: Chuckwagon Tails. I haven’t had the nerve to tell Cheryl and Livia. 😀

    2. Kristy, that’s what I was thinking. Tex will be bringing up the rear.

      1. I’ve been chasing Ed’s rear for two years now. Following everyone else’s won’t be that big a change. 😀

  11. Loved it!!

    1. Thanks, Martha! Merry Christmas!

  12. Such a cute post! What a cutie he is! 🙂

    1. Now you’ve done it, Colleen. That’s just what he needs: an ego boost. 😀

      Merry Christmas to you and yours! I hope Santa is generous. 🙂

  13. Kathleen, you had me in stitches! This is the cutest post. Those dogs are hilarious. Merry Christmas, Tex! Watch out for those thieving varmints stealing our Santa presents.

    1. You only think the dogs are hilarious because they aren’t being cute at your house! 😀

      Merry ho-ho-ho, my friend! I tried to put in a good word for you with Santa, but he said I used up my favors with Ed. 😉

  14. Our three, a dog and two cats, have individual, uh, “trails,” so it’s rarely hard to figure out who did what. For instance my mom’s cat Scooter likes to move the water bowls, and not just inches but across the floor! WE finally got smart and found bowls that don’t tip over but he still moves them nonetheless. And we also figured out something my mom must have known all along is that when the bowls are moved, that means the water is not nearly as fresh and up to snuff as he’d like it. Oh my, the poor boy. He has also makes it clear to us by certain actions that his food bowl is not nearly full enough for how he prefers it! And those actions continue until we comply! My mom adored her cat and it took Scooter a whole year to adapt to being one of three instead of the “only child.” I’ll just say it has been a journey.

    My son’s cat KNOWS she’s the queen so no issues there. My dog and Scooter, however compete for attention at times, so we don’t always know who started whatever has happened but it’s usually a noisy dustup.

    I wish you and yours the most wonderful of holidays and a Happy New Year.

    All the best,
    Eliza

    1. I am SO glad to hear I’m not the only ones with strong-willed, misbehaving critters! 😀 Sounds like you have your hands full.

      The eldest at my house, Miss Biddy, turned 17 this year. She’s gotten to the “I didn’t get this old by taking nonsense from anyone” stage. You should see her smack the boys around when they get on her nerves.

      Merry Christmas, Eliza! I wish you and yours — including the furry one — all the best in the new year.

      {{{hugs}}}

  15. Hahaha! Someday I hope to meet your band of gypsies–er, chihuahuas. I think Ed and my Wrigley would get along fine. Provided there’s no treat snatching. 😉

    Merry Christmas, Tex!!!

    1. Now that would be pure chaos. I’m not sure either of us is ready to deal with Wrigley teaching Ed his tricks and Ed teach Wrigley how to get away with murder. 😀

      Merry Christmas, Ozark Belle! (Please be careful where you point them irons on December 24. I don’t wanna hear no reports about shootin’ matches with a bearded fat guy wearin’ red.)

      1. As long as said “fat guy” drops off the right presents, there’ll be no need for convincing.

  16. Too funny! And I love the pics.

    1. Thanks, Robyn! I hope you and yours have the happiest of holiday, my friend. 🙂

  17. That is a GREAT post, Kathleen. I love these little “cards” you did with your babies’ pictures. They are so cute! And that Ed…yeah, he gets blamed for a lot of things he just doesn’t do!LOL

    Hmmm, not sure what I want for Christmas–maybe just for everyone to be as happy and healthy as possible. My mom used to say, “If you have your health, you have everything.” I didn’t know what she meant then, but boy, I do now!

    Merry Christmas! And give those babies a hug from me!

    1. Health is one of those things we simply can’t replace. That would be a good Christmas present for everyone.

      Did Ed send you and Livia a decoder ring for those chatroom messages? When I asked, he told me I was being nosy. :-\

      Merry Christmas to you, too! The kids said to give Embry a big hug for them. They’d do it themselves, but they’re so much smaller than he is, they’d only be able to hug one ear. 😀

  18. Cute post. Our old lab had a year like that. She survived, but barely. This year I would just like good health. We are in relatively good shape for our age, but I developed a detached retina the Monday after Thanksgiving. It is not healing as well as it should and surgery might be an option. I had no idea how much it would affect daily life. Reading is a chore, but I won’t give it up. It just takes longer.
    I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year.

    1. That detached retina doesn’t sound pleasant at all. I hope it gets better. Surgery isn’t fun, but if that will restore your sight… I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t read.

      Merry Christmas and happy New Year to you and yours, Patricia! I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you this year. {{{hugs}}}

  19. Dear Santa,
    Please make Sound Transit buy our house for a whole bunch of money, and buy it before Feb. 1. Thank you very much. I’ve been a good girl and those rumors that Tex has been spreading are not true; hence, I have a tendency to side with Ed.

  20. Dear Santa,
    Don’t listen to “that woman.” She’s a notorious tale-teller, and she’s liable to make up all sorts of things. Lately, she’s been making up tall tales about a female bounty hunter.

    If you do decide to visit her house despite the warning, please give the killer chicken, the philosophical mules, and the truculent goats a wide berth. Much like Trail Boss, they’re uncivilized.

    (I hope you get your wish about the house. Every once in a while, Santa gives people a gift even though they’ve been naughty, in the hope they’ll behave better the next year. 😉 )

    Merry Christmas to you and the lunatic asylum!

  21. Susan P and Kathleen O, Ed drew your names out of the Stetson (before he didn’t shred the hat). If you don’t hear from me within the next few minutes, please get in touch!

    I’m somewhat distressed to realize Ed has hoodwinked you all, but the cute factor can be a powerful weapon in the wrong paws. 😉

    Merry Christmas, everyone!

  22. Ed’s mom is one smart, funny lady!

    1. Ed’s mom is one exhausted human being. It’s not easy keeping up with a perpetual two-year-old! 😀 Thanks for the kind words, Caroline. Merry Christmas to you, Hero, that no-good daughter of yours (Bea 😉 ), and the rest of the clan!

Comments are closed.

Petticoats & Pistols © 2015